


you can't choose what stays and what fades away

by nonbinarywithaknife (littleboxes)



Series: dimension 20 [50]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 05: A Crown of Candy, Devotion, F/F, Families of Choice, Family Issues, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Protectiveness, Religious Guilt, Self-Hatred, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, Yearning, a generally furious tone, abusive church, guilt channeled into rage at the world and other people and yourself, religious trauma, spoilers for ep 14
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25299196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboxes/pseuds/nonbinarywithaknife
Summary: Gooey hates the world and she hates these people and she even hates herself, but she could never, ever hate Saccharina.
Relationships: Saccharina Frostwhip/Gooey
Series: dimension 20 [50]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1706107
Comments: 17
Kudos: 59





	you can't choose what stays and what fades away

**Author's Note:**

> this episode is. a lot. im processing through gooey. also unreliable narrators with incomplete understandings and no inclination to fix them because they hate these people and no amount of backstory in their mind will change that, plus gay shit plus religious trauma is. my bread and butter baby :D

Gooey watches the woman she loves-

Her Queen and her Captain and the woman she has loved all these long years, loved in the bunks of their dark nunnery rooms, when Saccharina's back was bloody and purple bruises ringed her neck like a noose and all she could whisper from her scream-scratched throat as Gooey held her was _forgive me for I have sinned, I’ve sinned, I’ve sinned, forgive me for I- forgive me- forgive me- please,_ **_forgive me_** -

-the woman she loved when they escaped the white-bricked cage full of gold plated murderers, so righteous in their cruelty- 

-loved on the sturdy cheese-wood deck of a ship leading a haphazard, patch-work fleet of hard-fought winnings, things taken, things that are theirs, _rightfully_ so, and if not, certainly they don’t belong to their previous owners-

-loved in the dark, in the quiet places, in the silent stares and wordless nods, loved from the shadow of a bulb that would burn the heart out of their chests-

-loves from her right hand and loves too much to dare get closer lest she get struck down by lightning even as she dreams of being the tree splintered by saccharina’s storm-

the woman she _loves_ -

Scrapes and grovels and _begs_ , not in so many words, no, but Gooey isn’t _stupid_ , she sees it in her queen’s eyes, sees it in the shoulders Saccharina works to keep high under weight that Gooey has watched her work to shed ever since the nunnery, sees it in the politeness coating her words in a saccharine shield, and she is _furious_.

She watches the false king- her queen’s father and as far as Gooey can see, unworthy of the title. Not just because of his absence, of his culpability inherent in it, of the crimes committed against his daughter by the same people he spent so many years placating, but because Saccharina is so much _more_ than him, has grown beyond the _need_ for him.

Gooey hates that there is a hole in her queen’s heart that only this man can fill.

It isn’t fair of her to hate them the way she does, deep and dark and depthlessly, vicious and heavy like a volcano bubbling up and boiling over, but when has the world ever been fair to her? The world has never been fair to Gooey and the world has never been anything but cruel to her queen and so as she looks at these people-

Royalty and knights, assassins and mageslayers, brought to their knees by the things she and Saccharina have spent their lives enduring. 

The pain and loss and worldshaking violence, the relentless effort of your enemies to beat everything that is good and kind and magical from you, all the while aware that once those things are gone, there is nothing _left_ , these are the metal she has used to forge her armor, the sugar that Saccharina spins around her words. Their enemies sought to make them empty and so they have made themselves _overflow_ and so these people have _no excuse_.

So Gooey snarls and sneers and glares, and knows her vitriol is unfair and much like the world, _does not care_.

Saccharina paves the way for the royal brat to kill a god and dares to demand the simple courtesy of acknowledgement, and is brushed aside with the same cold she’d shielded these people against, and Gooey is bleeding and aching and freezing and still she hefts her axe and stands ready, because _how dare they?_

How dare they demand a right to their grief when Saccharina has had to spend half of her life scraping and _clawing_ the right to be herself without guilt from the burning bulbian voices that still haunt her, even now? How dare they ask her to be perfect, to be effortless, and then blame her for acquiescing, how dare they, how dare they, _how dare they?_

Gooey watches Saccharina’s so-called _family_ view her existence with the same disdain the nuns did, and she overflows with _hatred_ , because they know _nothing_ about family and she is silent.

She follows the orders of her queen, will follow the orders of her queen to her dying breath, and her queen has ordered them to be treated with respect. Gooey can’t manage respect, but she is well-practiced in stoicism.

The god is dead and the magic is theirs, and it is good and Gooey does not care. Instead she goes to her queen and sees the line and decides that if she can’t overstep it now then what has been the point of standing at her side for so long?

 _The future will not hold this pain for you_.

Gooey knows this because she will rip it from the future herself, if she must. 

She will bloody her hands and her heart and her soul, tearing it away, she will _take_ every barb and blade meant for her queen and she will make sure that Saccharina knows that so long as Gooey breathes she will never be alone; so long as Jon Bon stands and Swifty can wring a sweet-farthing from the situation, so long as the Marauders of the Dairy Sea and Lost Sucrosia and the Great Stone Candy Mountains are _alive_ , the Rightful Queen of Candia will never be without the people who have chosen her. 

She stands and reminds her queen that she owes these people nothing and listens to her queen agree, and Gooey hates the resignation and pain in her voice but can’t help but be relieved that she has seen what Gooey has.

Saccharina knows that what she yearns for is something that they are not willing and are not able to give, but she has people standing with her who have been ready to support her whenever she stumbles and falls, and who always have, that will simply have to be _enough_.

(Gooey hates that she isn’t enough. ~~Hates that her love isn’t enough~~. Hates the Marauders, for not being enough to fill the holes in Saccharina’s heart. But she will be as much as she can, and that will have to be enough.)

**Author's Note:**

> gooey has no mercy for herself how can she have mercy for other people the only person she can give grace is saccharina and well. its Gay  
> i understand what ruby and amethar are going through and you understand what ruby and amethar are going through but gooey is having. a time of it. dont take this as me hating our gang grief and loss and pain are MESSY and HARD and GREY i just think gooey's hatred as brennan described is Fascinating.  
> title is from no light, no light by florence and the machine and it's a HUGE gooey/saccharina unrequited love song. just. w oo


End file.
